Journey to the Centre of the Ersatz

Oh, deer.

Oh my, this one has been a long time in coming. I haven’t posted in months, due to life stuff, and in May we went to CenterParcs(1) at Elveden Forest over the bank holiday, for fun and family time.

After a fairly stressful journey out, thanks to unrevealing postcodes and the world’s most horrendous car parking one-way system, we arrived to find a friendly chalkboard welcoming us in, which Arya proceeded to redecorate with glee. Hanna and Andy went to pick up a couple of trikes, and while we were waiting for them, Arya and I saw a little deer outside the window, which was like a whole bag of squee and really made the trip seem worthwhile to Arya. We saw a lot of deer over the long weekend, including a male getting all protective of his fam while we were sat on the patio.

On Saturday, Hanna headed in early to get some head-shots taken, and we followed later once Arya was up and lively. I have a note here that says ‘saga of the boots (sandals)’ but can’t remember what that was. Presumably Arya was unwilling to wear her boots or we hadn’t brought the boots she wanted. After we met up with Mummy, we went out on the lake in a pedalo, which more or less broke Hanna, then went for an owl walk, which involved several owls, a couple of hawks, a falcon and surprisingly little walking. Hanna has the photos of Arya with owls. After Lunch we went swimming – Arya was made up about the big pool and the artificial waves and currents – before going home for a barbecue, which was only slightly disrupted by the appearance of a couple of rowdy aggro-geese.

It's tough being captain.

On Sunday we went for family photos, and Arya proved her natural diva qualities by basically photobombing her own portraits. After that it was time for pottery painting – since the local place closed down – and a blatant triumph of vision over common sense which saw us painting almost completely up to our scheduled boat time for the day. We ate a swift pancake lunch and headed to the lake, where Andrew took Arya on the ‘Mini-Captain’s Adventure’, which came with a natty nautical hat, while Hanna and I cruised around in a motor boat. Then swimming, then a curry, and home for a very late night.

On Monday we got up and packed, but had time for a few more things. Andrew went on the treetop climbing adventure, while the rest of us went for a row. The plan was to get a shot of him from below the zipline, but our time ran out and there was still no sign of him. We went to the little beach, and waited. Then I picked up the pots, and we waited. Finally, Andrew appeared, having been held up by some shenanigans involving the guy in front and a celphone.

Lunch, one last swim and a sit down, and then it was time to go home. It was a grand break – although far from cheap – and we plan to go again.

(1) If you’re going with the Francophone ‘parcs’, could we not use ‘centre’? No?

Fear of the Aardvark

The fear was that they would never wake up. ION, my phone is not made for
night photography.

On Saturday, we took Arya to Colchester for one of the zoo's late-opening Starlight Safari days, with the intention of seeing the aardvarks up and about. She has seen them before, but she was just with Mummy at the time and was apparently beside herself because she knows I like the aardvarks(1).

So, the day started well. I had to go to physio for my back, and when Daddy Andrew tried to bring Arya into Ely on the train for ballet, the train was cancelled. Thankfully, they were offered a lift by a kind fellow traveler(2), and despite Andrew misremembering the start time, we got Arya into ballet just a little late, after I ran into them on my way out of Boots with a new box of sweet, sweet co-codamol. Then tea cup ride, bus, and Gymbobs, where Arya had a good run around waiting for the session to start and managed to apparently misplace Andrew.

Me: Arya, where's Daddy Andrew?
Arya: He went outside.
Me: Yes, but he hasn't come back.
Arya: I didn't magically make him to be dead.
Me: Wow. That's dark. And oddly specific.

New dress.

After Gymbobs we changed her into her new dress (which she chose herself) and Mummy came and picked us up, fresh and bright from her five or six hours sleep in the preceding 72 hours. There then followed a long drive, a minor meltdown over the wrong coat, and it looked like we were going to have a properly horrible day. Hanna split off to make some enquiries at the office regarding pass renewal, and we didn't really make good plans to meet up again.

We saw some lemurs and leopards, and some coati being hella adorbs in the amphitheatre, and checked on the currently somnolent aardvarks. Andrew went to find Hanna, leaving me with all the bags while Arya played in one of the playgrounds. I heard them announce a late giraffe feeding, but before I could collect Arya, I saw her trip and fall, and when I got to her she was bleeding from the mouth.

Worst. Dad. Ever.

Found a member of staff who got us an ice pack and some towels, then I sat Arya down with a soothing ice cream while I flailed to contact Hanna and Andrew. Good news, the bleeding stopped quickly and helped her to calm down enough to stop crying; poor thing was in a right state, understandably enough. Bad news, no signal at all. Fortunately, I spotted Andrew and was able to flag him down and he and Hanna came over, having been looking for us at the giraffe feeding.

Arya complained of an owy tummy and we got a proper first aider in, and considered the possibilities that walk in centres and A&E presented, but ultimately decided that the tummy was probably a result of the upset and not a cause, so dragging her out pre-Aardvark would be a retrograde step. Not that this stopped us worrying, and wondering if each time she got tired and floppy she wasn't lapsing into a set of symptoms that the doctors would note with the shorthand 'terrible parents.'

But she seemed lively enough, and took me to see the bears, including an extended rendition of 'we're going on a poo hunt,' a variation introduced in the TV adaptation of We're Going on a Bear Hunt, so thanks for that, Channel 4.

Next, we went to catch the little train. The green lighting in the waiting area made us look green. "We're turning green!" I cried, showing Arya my hand. "It's just the green lights," she assured me sagely.

The train took us past the oddly abandoned wolf habitat, as well as past the jackals and hunting dogs, to the lemur encounter. Arya didn't fancy walking with lemurs, so we sat and watched the youngsters being adorable and ring-tailed. I got out to stretch my back, and Arya, bless her,was really worried the train would pull away without me. On the way back, all three wolves were out for the first time in three days. My own theory is that they just got Netflix and had been binge watching Marvel series and Stranger Things, and had emerged because they'd got two episodes into Iron Fist and needed some air.

It was getting late, so we tried the aardvarks again - still asleep - before getting some dinner. With Arya quite determined to see active aardvarks, we checked in on them - still asleep - then stayed for the torchlit sealion feed, and Arya named all of the sealions while we waited(3). The sealions were basically circling and occasionally harmonising with the Jean Michelle Jarre - for whatever reason, the sealions always have music, and being Patagonian instead of California sealions they don't so much bark as do a short version of that bass vocalisation that the Ur-ra do in The Dark Crystal.

I tried to get a shot of Arya and the Aardvarks, but they ducked past her and
out of shot.

Finally, we went back to the Aardvarks and they were up and about; well, two of them, at least. Anyway, that was rewarding, and even overrode Arya's pressing need to avail herself of the smell-o-rama hatch again.

And then we went home, by way of the dub-step giraffe, a quick chivvy through the gift shop, a tantrum over the Tinkerbellness of her nappies and a quick stop to buy Calpol (and replacement nappies, because life's too short.)

Sunday was an idle day, unsurprisingly.

(1) Before she had the word 'aardvark' down, they were 'the amamals that Daddy likes.'
(2) In the commuting, rather than the espionage sense.
(3) Skye, Marshall, James, Tom and whoever the other one was.

Dubstep Giraffes and Other Strangeness

"Is that beard real?"(1)

This weekend, there were giraffes, both regular and dubstep.

We began as normal with Hanna and Andrew arriving with Arya, having texted me their ETA and the message not getting to me because my flat is a mobile reception blackspot. Thus, I did not have dinner ready and had to race to do that, then get Arya into bed and to sleep, which took quite some time and an emergency mummy cuddle to achieve.

On Saturday morning, at about 2.30, Arya woke up and wanted Mummy. I ended up on the sofa, Hanna barely slept, and we all slept in in the morning and were in a terrible rush to get up and out and about. Ballet first, then Tumble Tots, after which we changed Arya into her princess dress (and man, that Anna dress has done sterling service since Hanna got it for her. Like... at least a year and it still fits nicely. Anna dress, we salute you) and headed for Colchester Zoo, more or less via Ipswich. We were all so tired that we almost called it, but we'd bought tickets and Arya had told all her friends she'd be going.

It was exhausting. It was occasionally frustrating. But I'm glad we did it.

As zoo visits go, it might not tick all the usual boxes. We didn't see a lot of animals, and many of them only in passing, but on this occasion that wasn't the point. Our first stop was to the giraffes, for Arya to feed them. This was almost a total bust, as of the two giraffes that came into the feeding pen, one was shy and the other didn't want to eat without his friend, but they got their nerve up and took the leaves, and Arya was very happy with that.

My photo game was not strong; I blame cold fingers.

After that, we fed ourselves and Arya ran around one of the playgrounds, then we wandered back to the far end of the zoo to visit Santa. We went past a reindeer stable en route, which Arya was quite taken with, and she loved Santa's grotto, running back and forth, looking at the vignettes and very politely asking Mrs Claus for another marshmallow (that being the only gluten free option.) The virtual sleigh ride just seemed to baffle her, however, and by the time we reached Santa she was flagging and back to being really shy (although she liked her present; a slightly-too-young puzzle... with a giraffe on it(2).) Mind you, she was wary of Santa the last time she visited one, so she might just not trust big white beards.

Arya is far right, looking overwhelmed.

We spent a little time at the indoor softplay area, but Arya got lost and couldn't find her way out, then fell over while Mummy was trying to find her way in. That was a bit traumatic. Then we had some dinner and went to the shop, where Arya found a pair of My Little Pony beanies that she instantly adored, and a flamingo for Daddy Andrew's Christmas present, which I had to hide up my jumper after we bought it, giving me what Arya tactfully called a 'fat flamingo belly'. Thanks, kiddo.

By this point, it was clear that the pantomime which began at seven was right out, but we stayed for the lights. Initially just some swinging spotlights and blinking fairy lights, these kicked it up a notch when the giraffe statue started to flash and pulse in time to the dubstep carols. Arya loved this, of course, but nonetheless decided that she wanted to go home now, and this felt fair. She conked out in the car and so did I, and when we got home we put her to bed.

Hat selfie.

In the morning she came through to Mummy at about eight while I was creeping about trying to get breakfast ready. She complained of an owy belly and wanted to get dressed, but when we asked if she woudl try to use the toilet she fell asleep again while protesting that she didn't need to. Then she woke up and had cereal and a banana, then more cereal, and in the end didn't eat much of her sausage, egg, beans and bacon at all(3). Once we'd eaten - as per usual, much later than planned - they were off once again, as Arya's best friend Cory(4) was having his birthday party.

So cool.

Thus Sunday was unusually solo; restful, but a bit melancholy. Apparently she was asking to come back to my place on Sunday evening, which is good to know.

Saturday was a long, long day, but a good one, even if I spent most of it without my glasses(5). We were all pretty wiped, but a fine time was had. Giraffes were fed, and Arya even got close to the goats without panicking, which is a huge step forward for someone who not long ago fled the mere presence of a goat.

I can't believe I don't have a picture of the dubstep giraffe at all. Hopefully Hanna or Andrew will have one.

(1) Not an actual quote.
(2) I'm not sure if it's really been clear from this blog, but she loves giraffes. They're her favourite; even more than unicorns and PAW Patrol.
(3) So that was lunch.
(4) He of the 'PAW Patrol is just for boys' claim.
(5) Because I forgot them, not because Arya wanted to borrow my prescription shades.

Baba and Babad

Baba.

This weekend was a potentially muddy Empire, so Arya was with me, and we went to stay with my parents. One of the weirdest adjustments to make as a parent is referring to your mum and dad as 'Granny' and 'Grandad' (made worse by the fact that for me, Granny paired with Grandpa and Grandma with Grandad.) Arya vocalises these as 'Baba' and Babad'.

It was important to her to get her
head on the cushion.

I arrived first, and was there to let Hanna, Andrew and Arya in. Arya was already asleep, and was perhaps a little baffled to find herself in a strange house. She settled really quickly, however, and the new surroundings were something to explore. She loved the new flight of stairs especially, which was a little scary given how steep and sharp the stairs are. Arya took to Mum and Dad quickly as well, especially Mum (largely because Dad was out a lot more, displaying at a photo show.)

We went to the local playground - which Mum, as one of the trustee/administrators of the village hall helped to renovate - and that was a hit. The big xylophone was especially popular, although the slide was a little daunting for her alone. Instead we rode it together, and that was a lot of fun. She also loved the set of puzzle cars - a set of tiles which form a wide range of possible tracks along which a little truck runs in loops - which Mum and Dad keep in the cupboard for visiting grandchildren.

The weekend was not without its downsides. Arya has been difficult about baths lately, and is a little sore as a result. This makes her ratty about changes, and she managed to kick off a truly massive strop on Saturday. She was also distressed to find herself in a house with so little access to Sarah & Duck, but this did give her a chance to be introduced to Ivor the Engine, with some success.

Mum and Dad think I need to talk to Arya more. I was especially tired this weekend. I worked myself up worrying about getting everything organised and was not at the top of my game. They may have a point though. I love to watch and listen to her as she works through things, and I ought to be a more active conversant.

On the upside, we had some real success with reading. I read her Stick Man several times, and she's pretty much memorised the refrain from it ("I'm Stick Man! I'm Stick Man! I'M STICK MAN, THAT'S ME!")

No-one told her to tidy this up, by
the way.

The room we were sleeping in was very light. That's my fault - we ought to have been in the room with the blackout curtains from the first - and it meant that Arya wasn't sleeping very well. On Friday and Saturday she was awake until half-nine, so she got pretty grommity. On Sunday night she wouldn't settle, so I brought her down and she sat with me. Then she went to get the cars out, and when we told her to leave them until the morning she just stood by the cupboard. After a few minutes, she started swaying, and when I picked her up she just fell right asleep on my shoulder.

I love this picture.

Monday night was pretty tense. The weather had looked like it was about to rain all day, so we didn't get out as much as I wanted, but we mainlined Duck now we were back with access and she was mostly happy. Then we had a bit of a barnie about my glasses again, and I turned off the Duck until she apologised (which took a while) and hearing Mummy on the phone got her jazzed. We were almost calm, but then dinner ran late and we were doing teeth when Mummy and Daddy Andrew got home and then she had to stay up and... It took a while to settle her again.

It was particularly rough on Andrew, as Arya wanted Mummy, then wanted me, but didn't ask for him and in fact resisted settling with him. Earlier she'd been excited to hear his voice as well. I hope she was able to show that today.

And this is one of my favourite pictures I've taken of her.

We're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo

The day begins as it means to go on: with owls. Arya is very
taken with the snowy owls.

On Thursday, our little girl turned two. In celebration, we decided to damn the costs; we were taking her to the zoo.

There are many arguments for and against zoos, but honestly, we took our little girl to the zoo; it was a good zoo, with a solid conservation programme, and if you have a problem with that then maybe we can discuss it another time; not here.

The zoo in question was Banham Zoo, a deceptively small establishment, given the size of many of the animal enclosures, in Norfolk. It took about an hour to drive there, we got Arya into her backpack/baby reins, gave her a helium balloon (which she adored) and set off for the entrance. For once I skimped on the gift aid, simply because Arya wanted to get on and go through the gate.

Golden lion tamarin, not tamarind. Tamarins
eat tamarinds for breakfast; or might do. I'm
not sure.

She was not to be disappointed, for on the far side there were owls. Arya has loved owls ever since she got to meet on in Cambridge (we gave serious thought to the Raptor Sanctuary, but Banham is close to my parents and looked like a more solid day out) and from the first was besotted with the ones she saw at Banham. The first pair were the snowy owls, and I've gone with the reaction shot rather than the slightly distant picture of the owls themselves. We did want to adopt an owl for Arya, but it's not cheap; I guess they eat a fair bit.

What immortal hand or eye...

The owls were a definite highlight, but there were also tamarins, a baby colobus monkey and a Siberian tiger strutting his or her* stuff right close to the glass. There were many lemurs, including a sun-bathing chap who seemed for all the world to be posing for the punters. I almost felt exploited by obliging him, but Hanna insisted that the collection would not be complete without, so here he is:

Basking.

We spent about four hours at the zoo in the end, which is a long time for a little girl. We saw the giraffes being fed and rode the road train - the driver of which pointed out that the elusive snow leopards were sitting on the roof of their house rather than any of the dramatic rocks in their enclosure - saw more owls, collected up stamps to exchange for a commemorative medal and finally went to the flying show. The European eagle in flight appeared to both delight and terrify Arya (as he* swooped a few inches overhead.)

Afterwards we went to tea with my parents, which was lovely, although by that point we were a little overloaded on sweet things and it was notable that the GF cocktail sausages went faster than any of the cakes.

The birthday girls.

We came home and had curry, because none of us had the energy left to cook, let alone wash up the cake-icing debris before hand. It had been a long day and an exciting one, and thankfully the former won out and Arya went down fast and only got a little restive in the night. Consequently, we were up and at 'em no Sunday for swimming.

Hanna remains convinced that I spook Arya at swimming. I am not conscious of doing so, but after a two week break she wasn't keen to be peeled off my neck in the pool. She did pour water over my head again, however.

The rest of the day was a Mother's Day chill out. Arya delivered Hanna's present neatly (although not as well as Hanna's birthday present, which I gave to her in the living room, saying: 'Could you give this to Mummy?' and was delighted to see her carry through to the kitchen and hand over,) although she did open my Mum's present, which I'd forgotten to take on Saturday. She napped beautifully, watched The Lion King with Hanna, rode her new hobby horse and demanded that her parents each take a turn.

I was sorry to see her go; more so even than usual. She refused to say goodbye to me, I think in the hope that if she didn't, I wouldn't let her leave. I didn't want to.

* It seemed rude to ask.

**In this case they told us.

Arya and Owl

Close encounters of the bird kind.

Good times: On Saturday we were passing a little display set up by the Raptor Foundation. Arya was immensely taken with the owls, and despite a little nervousness, she stroked an eagle owl about the same size as she is.