Riddell Me This

Live Satire

About a month ago, Hanna bought me a ticket to a launch event for Chris Riddell's new poetry collection, Poems to Fall in Love With. Arya saw the ticket on the fridge, and since we've read quite a lot of books either written or illustrated by Riddell, she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, as long as she wasn't too tired on the night, since it was at 7.30 on a school night(1).

On Tuesday then, I picked Arya up from after-school club and we went into town to have dinner. In a moment of inspiration, I suggested that Andrew join us at Pizza Express, so that he wouldn't be stuck all alone for the evening, and so that if she was too tired, he could get her home. It was on the way to the restaurant that we got absolutely soaked when the skies opened on us.

We had our pizza and Arya made her choice; she wanted to come with me. Thus, we headed for the Church of St Peter in Ely, where Mr Chris Riddell was doing satirical cartoons live on an overhead projector, because why not. We found a seat, got settled, then unsettled, and Arya insisted on sitting on my lap and then leaning back so that holding her was almost shredding my spine, because her understanding of balance and tension in her own body, let alone someone else's, is pretty limited(2).

Riddell described her plait, which I'd put in her hair in the
morning, as 'worthy of Greta Thunberg,' so that's going
on my lifetime list of top reviews.

The event itself involved Riddell sharing some anecdotes relating to the poems, then someone else would read a poem out, while Riddell sketched an illustration for it on the OHP. The anecdotes were very sweet, and Riddell himself very charming. I'm not sure how much Arya took in, but she loved the pictures of hedgehogs and the poem about otters that she found while flipping through the book. She was also very struck by the poem that Riddell read out himself, while setting a copy of the book on the OHP(3) in place of a live drawing, although I'm not sure if she took in that it was about the death of his younger brother.

After the readings, it was of course time for the traditional oh-so-long queue to get a copy of the book signed. Arya was very good about the wait, and bounced from pew to pew as we advanced along the line.

Riddell signed a copy of Poems to Fall in Love With for Hanna, and a copy of his other new book, The Guardians of Magic, for Arya. He also added a dedication for Arya to my pre-signed copy of Once Upon a Wild Wood, so I guess that after months of asking, that's actually hers now.

I mentioned that Hanna had asked if he could do a sketch of Arya, but allowed that there probably wasn't time. He looked back along the line of about fifty people and agreed, but after signing the books he got out a piece of paper and his sketching pencil, and produced the sketch above, which is now framed and ready to go on the wall, because damn that's amazing. Seriously, he did not have to do that, and I will treasure that picture and the gesture that produced it(4).

Home

As may be judged by the length of the queue behind us, we actually did quite well and were able to get out after no more than half an hour. We headed down to the station and got a taxi, since trying to get Arya to walk back home from the station, or walk back up the hill into town to get a bus, would have been something of a calculated act of cruelty.

On the way home, Arya sat and read the start of Chapter 3 of The Guardians of Magic, which is proving a very successful bedtime read. No doubt a review will pop up in my book blog in due course (probably at the end of September.)

So, a tough night for the little one, but a good time was had and now we have a one of a kind, supercool portrait sketch of Arya and the memories to go with it.

(1) Arya kept telling me that she would make a decision on the night, quite unwilling to accept that this would be too late since we'd be in Ely with no way to get her home and me back in time for the reading.
(2) Hopefully her acro classes will help with this, as well as building some strength into her frame.
(3) Sharp observers will probably have noticed that it is in fact a visualiser, not an OHP, which would be useless for this purpose unless he was sketching on acetate.
(4) Even if he did worry her by suggesting he might blame her for holding up the line, and then anger her by shifitng the blame to me. She's so protective.

Return of the Ersatz

Oh, wow; it's been another long break, not least because Google+'s failure of privacy and eventual collapse has cost me my controlled distribution list.

Welcome to Hogwarts.

But we took a family trip to the Harry Potter studio tour for Arya's birthday yesterday(1), since she took such a shine to it last year and has besides got all the way through the book series and is able to recount sections of it in absolute detail (The Deathly Hallows is apparently not scary, apart from Chapter 8,) and as that was one of the last thing I wrote about, it seemed an apposite moment to dust off this old blog. We'd planned to go on her actual birthday, but it turns out that it was really hard to get tickets this time, I think because they've been having a bit of a refurbishment. On the plus side, this meant that they had some exciting new stuff for us to see, most specifically their new Gringott's display.

So; we took off around lunchtime - the tickets were for 4pm, because when I say it was harder to get tickets this time, I'm not exaggerating - and actually got into the exhibit around 2pm. They'd redesigned a lot of the presentation, although most of the actual material was much the same, beginning with the Great Hall and the first sound stage, which is basically a space the size of an aircraft hangar full of costumes, props and sets. Last time, we spent a long time there, as Hanna and Andrew looked at all the details and I wrangled Arya. This time, Arya was very keen to see a few things, find the snitches and stamps for her passport and then move on to the Forbidden Forest; so much so that we even passed the greenscreen photo opportunities by.

A fun outing for Niffy the Photobombing
Niffler

Before the Forest, we got a couple of forced perspective shots with giant daddies, and then stopped off at the wand choreography exhibit. Arya insisted I practice the wand moves with her. She did very well, but then decided that her pose for a photograph was going to be her demurely holding the wand in both hands. She's such a badass, and yet such a classic princess at the same time. Her favourite thing at LARP was 'killing people' - quickly amended to 'pretending to kill people. I mean the quest to the land of Hope.' - but she dressed up for today in her Nutcracker dress(2) and insisted on pushing her two plushy Hermione's around in her toy pushchair.

On the badass side, Arya was once more brave and took the 'spiders' option in the Forbidden Forest, and tried to protect Mummy from the spider toys in the gift shop. She was prepared for the dementors in the train carriage 'ride'(3), and I think that she hid in the corner for effect rather than from need. She also really wanted to see the compartment sets before we went on to the cafe, which she did with Daddy Andrew.

Our plan had been for a brief stop at the Backlot Cafe, maybe for Butterbeer ice cream(4), but by this point it was seven hours since we'd had brunch and so we had just the most expensive burgers and hot dogs (which in fairness were both large and tasty.) Then we went out to where they keep Privet Drive, the house in Godric's Hollow and the Hogwarts' Bridge, which leads across to the second sound stage, which is a mix of permanent displays and large-scale sets.

Bank.

The latter includes the Diagon Alley set, the big miniature of Hogwarts they used for exteriors, and the new hotness: Gringott's Bank. This is, as I say, part of the recent refurbishment, and I don't know how much of what they have there is reconstructed and how much refurbished from things they had in storage. It's pretty damned shiny, anyway, and I was particularly impressed by the attention to detail on things like the paying in slips.

Now, Arya was beginning to flag a little at this point, and by the time we were taking photos on the vault set with Niffy the Photobombing Niffler she was getting very lively. Then we got to the ruined Gringott's set and were attacked by a dragon, which was pretty damned awesome; a superb bit of effect work, which used a barely-visible screen and some smoke to present us with a charging dragon which then spewed flame in our faces like we were the surrendering citizens of King's Landing. It was honestly a little too intense for Arya, who was a less than happy to see a massive, fire-breathing lizard getting up in her face, bless her.

By the time we got to the big mini room, Arya was about done. She had enough spoons left to choose a gift from the shop - a light-up Triwizard Cup - and then we headed out.

Long day.

Last thing for the day was dinner, which she didn't want to miss. Now, maybe she just wanted to delay the end of the day, but that was a good call. I suspect we would have made some really bad choices if we waited to get home to eat, and she probably wouldn't have gone to sleep even as soon as she did if she'd been hungry, and she demolished her pizza in a matter of minutes.

So, that was a long day. A good day, but a long one. Props to Hanna for getting us there and back, and to Arya who was tired, but could easily have been so much more of a monster through what is, after all, a four hour walking tour. She made a real effort to keep it together, even when the mass of people was really wearing on her, and I love how driven she was about what she wanted to see, and how accommodating when it just wasn't feasible.

(1) Her birthday is March 12th, but there were no tickets, so she got an 'official' birthday so she could push open the doors to Hogwarts.
(2) This was bought as a stand in for her Hermione ball gown when that was still in storage come World Book Day, and was clearly a good choice, as it was misidentified by several people at the studio.
(3) Not an actual ride, but a bit of a back-projection demo.
(4) Vanilla and caramel; very sweet, but unlike butterbeer itself, not fizzy.

Journey to the Centre of the Ersatz

Oh, deer.

Oh my, this one has been a long time in coming. I haven’t posted in months, due to life stuff, and in May we went to CenterParcs(1) at Elveden Forest over the bank holiday, for fun and family time.

After a fairly stressful journey out, thanks to unrevealing postcodes and the world’s most horrendous car parking one-way system, we arrived to find a friendly chalkboard welcoming us in, which Arya proceeded to redecorate with glee. Hanna and Andy went to pick up a couple of trikes, and while we were waiting for them, Arya and I saw a little deer outside the window, which was like a whole bag of squee and really made the trip seem worthwhile to Arya. We saw a lot of deer over the long weekend, including a male getting all protective of his fam while we were sat on the patio.

On Saturday, Hanna headed in early to get some head-shots taken, and we followed later once Arya was up and lively. I have a note here that says ‘saga of the boots (sandals)’ but can’t remember what that was. Presumably Arya was unwilling to wear her boots or we hadn’t brought the boots she wanted. After we met up with Mummy, we went out on the lake in a pedalo, which more or less broke Hanna, then went for an owl walk, which involved several owls, a couple of hawks, a falcon and surprisingly little walking. Hanna has the photos of Arya with owls. After Lunch we went swimming – Arya was made up about the big pool and the artificial waves and currents – before going home for a barbecue, which was only slightly disrupted by the appearance of a couple of rowdy aggro-geese.

It's tough being captain.

On Sunday we went for family photos, and Arya proved her natural diva qualities by basically photobombing her own portraits. After that it was time for pottery painting – since the local place closed down – and a blatant triumph of vision over common sense which saw us painting almost completely up to our scheduled boat time for the day. We ate a swift pancake lunch and headed to the lake, where Andrew took Arya on the ‘Mini-Captain’s Adventure’, which came with a natty nautical hat, while Hanna and I cruised around in a motor boat. Then swimming, then a curry, and home for a very late night.

On Monday we got up and packed, but had time for a few more things. Andrew went on the treetop climbing adventure, while the rest of us went for a row. The plan was to get a shot of him from below the zipline, but our time ran out and there was still no sign of him. We went to the little beach, and waited. Then I picked up the pots, and we waited. Finally, Andrew appeared, having been held up by some shenanigans involving the guy in front and a celphone.

Lunch, one last swim and a sit down, and then it was time to go home. It was a grand break – although far from cheap – and we plan to go again.

(1) If you’re going with the Francophone ‘parcs’, could we not use ‘centre’? No?

The Long Dark Ersatz of the Soul

Arya's first original Lego creation.

I'm behind on everything at the moment, but nowhere more shamefully than in this blog. In my defence and against it, it's been a hell of a year so far. In February, the boiler died on us, and that's really what's thrown me. We had a weekend living out of a hotel, plumbers in and out, and all sorts.

So anyway; a brief catch-up since just before Christmas:

Christmas was pretty good. Arya was very, very excited, but was pretty good about sharing the season. She's starting to get into the idea of surprise presents, but... Well, with mixed results:

Mummy heads into a shop and Arya kicks off about wanting to go with her.

Me: (whispering) Arya. Mummy has gone to get Daddy Andrew's present, and you need to distract him so he doesn't see it.

Arya climbs into the front of the car.

Andrew: What are you doing?

Arya: I just need to distract you from something.

After the whole Whamageddon thing and my random decision to put four versions of 'Last Christmas' on the family Christmas playlist, she went to sleep on Christmas Eve singing it to herself, and the Google Santa tracker once more decided we were totally in the Gulf of Guinea. We also watched Olaf's Frozen Adventure a lot - and I mean a lot.

Arya's School Council Manifesto. Alas, she
was not successful in her bid for office.

On into the new year, and on the 4^th January Arya came to find me in the morning, woke me up and asked: "Is it wake up time?" I told her it was and she said: "Then, happy birthday, Daddy!" which was just awesome.

In February, the boiler broke down, which wouldn't have been so bad, but the first plumber we got out not only condemned the boiler, but also the gas fire in the living room, which he then failed to isolate with the valve right next to it, instead switching off all the gas, leaving us with neither heating nor the ability to cook, with a four year old and freezing weather conditions. It also coincided with the delivery of a bunch of new shelves. Arya was a bit fractious about the cold, and sleeping in a strange place, but all in all she was an absolute star given that we were in and out of the flat during the day, building shelves while she sat huddled up against the cold. It was, I believe, as a consequence of this that her budding Sylvanian Families collection(1) got a major boost.

The next big thing was that we went in to London to see Wicked. Now, honestly, we probably wouldn't have done this if not for the fact that Hanna had already bought the non-refundable tickets by the time we knew we'd have to replace the boiler(2), and it was a pretty daunting prospect. We were looking at a trip in at the tail-end of the commuter rush, a fairly packed schedule of Londoning, lunch, theatre, dinner, and then to a hotel. The Londoning was pretty good, although we did get tied up in the big Disney store as Arya looked for something she fancied and Hanna tried to steer her away from anything we'd already got her for her birthday, and I think Hanna had fun introducing Arya to her erstwhile local toyshop, Hamley's.

Theatre clothes.

I had a bad moment in Hamley's. I was watching Arya while Hanna was at the checkout and Andrew was looking after our stuff by the doors. I'd got clipped in the head by a stunt glider someone was demonstrating, so I was a bit twitchy about the thing still flitting around. It zipped close to me again, I got distracted for like a second, and then Arya wasn't there. She'd run off to join Hanna at the checkout, but for a moment I was sure I'd managed to lose my daughter in London and I was terrified. Other than that, Arya was great about London, despite being very, very tired. One of the things we got in Hamley's was a ride-on suitcase for her to sit on as we pottered around the city, and she loved that.

At the theatre we hit a few problems, as the door staff didn't want to let us in with our big bag. Now, this would have been a fair cop, but the way they handled it was shitty. First, they told us that there wasn't a cloakroom, which there was. Then they told us that it was too big - again, fair cop - but that the nearly-identical bag that another guy had was fine. Called on this, they insisted that we couldn't put our bag in the cloakroom because it had wheels and was therefore a suitcase. Basically, I think that the queue guy made a clumsy attempt to deflect us from trying to bring the bags in, and the rest of the door staff tried to double down on that because they thought we wouldn't make a fuss.

They were wrong. Hanna complained to the floor manager, who agreed that, yes, wheels was a rubbish reason for Andrew to have to dash to Victoria to use their cloakroom. I don't know what came of it internally, but we go free ice creams, so that was nice.

Best princess.

Through all of this, Arya was a trouper, and then came the show and she was enraptured. It was very much her idea to see Wicked, having learned about it through Julie's Green Room, and she'd been insistent that she wanted to see Wicked and not anything else(3). Despite some concerns, she loved it, was pretty solid on her audience etiquette, and really seemed to get what was going on. She sort of missed that Glinda was at first a rather spoiled and unpleasant character, but she absolutely recognised that Elphaba wasn't really 'Wicked', despite not wearing a sparkly dress.

As an aside, we were talking about The Wizard of Oz, and Arya was reminding us that there was a good witch and a wicked witch. We questioned if the Wicked Witch was really wicked, and reminded her of Wicked, but she immediately responded: "But that's not The Wizard of Oz, it's Wicked," which is some next level metafictional awareness for a five-year-old.

After the show, Hanna took Arya to look at the orchestra pit, and they had a chat with the conductor, which was nice. Then we went to dinner which... Well, I ought to note that lunch had already been problematic - it took ages to arrive, and was cold - and dinner again took ages, and was wrong, in that Arya got gluteny food despite a particular request for gluten free, and had to wait to get something else, by which time she was tired and hungry and grumpy. Overnight she had aching legs, and Andrew got MVP of the outing for going out into the night to buy some Calpol.

"I got so big, so fast!" (Actual quote.)

So, that was a pretty high-stress outing, but well worth it. Arya wants to go and see Wicked again, but I think this is going to be a once a year thing.

Not long after, we hit Hanna's birthday, and we went down to the Warner Brothers studios for the Harry Potter tour. Arya wanted to be a little quicker around the tour than Mummy, but there was plenty that she loved: The dresses, the greenscreen broomstick photos, the self-stirring pots, the butterbeer ice cream. It was a very long day for Arya - pretty long for all of us - but she was not at all bad about it.

And of course, a week after that it was Arya's birthday, and a few days before her party we found out that the cake-maker(4) had gastroenteritis and couldn't provide her cake. Hanna pulled out all the stops and she and Andrew - I did my best to help, but came down with a cold that afflicted us all at precisely the worst time - created a magnificent Wicked cake, as well as a full spread of gluten- and dairy-free(5) snacks, cakes and what-nots for the party. It seems to have been a very successful party, although I flaked on it due to illness. Arya was also very pleased with her presents, including a bunch more Sylvanian Families and the fairly last-minute addition of the Lego Dimensions Wicked Witch of the West.

So, that's been our winter. I don't have as many photos because we've been using Hanna's DSLR rather than our phones, but it's been a good time. Arya makes every bathtime a struggle, but is - I hope - slowly coming around to the idea that 'Daddy can I have a hug' is a better way to get attention than messing around until someone shouts at her.

(1) In no way an expression of Hanna's thwarted desire to collect Sylvanian Families as a child.

(2) And the shower.

(3) Say, something recommended for children younger than seven.

(4) Arya's old nursery teacher.

(5) So that her best friend could eat everything as well.

Ersatz Vacation

Arya is developing expensive tastes.

It's been too long since I updated here, and I've neglected to write up our November vacation, so here goes.

Towards the end of November, we took a family holiday; the first since Alton Towers a ways back (August 2015.) Hanna booked a holiday house near Weston-super-Mare(1), and we drove down on Thursday to return on the following Monday. We had planned to visit Cheddar Gorge on the way down, but traffic and the need to stop for food and toilet breaks meant that we opted to go straight on the to the house, which was gorgeous. We fell head over heels with the kitchen and the book nook on the landing, while Arya was instantly taken with the bunk beds (although she ultimately couldn't sleep in the top bunk) and the piano.

Pillar!

On Friday, we made the arduous, ninety second walk to the beach - did I mention, the house backed onto a beach? - where we drew in the sand and Arya collected shells. Then we drove over to Glastonbury, where in keeping with my personal traditions, it proved way too much of a faff to go up the Tor, so we contented ourselves with visiting the Abbey and some of the shops. At the Abbey we had a picnic lunch, and then walked around the grounds. Mummy and Arya developed a new game called 'be a pillar,' in which we stood in the site of the former nave, where the supporting pillars used to be, and held our arms up to support an imaginary roof. Now we have to fling our arms up every time someone calls 'be a pillar!'

Following a rash promise I'd made, we then trawled the shops looking for a box in which Arya could keep her treasures, including but not limited to those squashed penny souvenirs you can get where you turn a wheel and press an image into a coin of the realm, a handful of shells, and the necklace off a Moana magazine we'd bought her for the journey. This proved much more difficult than I'd expected, but we were able to find a suitable musical box and, despite the day getting long and Arya getting tired and fractious, to persuade her not to wind it constantly in the car on the way back to the house.

It may seem a bit of a cop out for a family holiday activity, but on Saturday we went into Weston-super-Mare to see Olaf's Frozen Adventure at the cinema. It lacked the musical excellence of Frozen, or even of Frozen Fever, but was more substantial than the latter and we enjoyed the story and the humour. Arya was particularly impressed by Sven's attempts to communicate Olaf's plight to the uncharacteristically clueless Kristoff.

By the way(2).

After that we watched Frozen, had some lunch, headed back to the House. We had an evening walk on the beach before bedtime and played some My Little Pony Monopoly. While dinner was being prepared, she worked out a new dance, which involved something rather like the twist, and a lot of leaping onto sofas.

After a couple of rocky evenings in various beds - and a tense bath as I tried to get her hair washed and she resisted - Arya opted to make a little nest in the window seat looking out from the master bedroom into the conservatory. Here, she went off surprisingly quickly, and I'm not going to downplay this, she looked totes adorbs(3).

So worth it.

I took a risk and used the flash to get a picture of her in her curtained enclosure. I think it was worth it.

On Sunday, we headed into Wales across the Severn Bridge - our first visit to another country, albeit part of the same state, at least for now - since Scotland in June 2014. Arya was unimpressed by the hills, despite being a Flatlander girl by birth, so we swung on towards Caerphilly(4), home of the cheese and of Tommy Cooper(5). Our plan was to meet up with some friends of Hanna's and then stroll around Caerphilly Castle. There was a treasure hunt for children, which Arya got very into, which involved locating sites shown on a map of the castle and identifying which of two 'treasures' had been hidden there by wicked Hugh le Dispenser. That gave a series of numbers which, added up, gave a grid reference for a final treasure.

Also, there were dragons. That was pretty cool.

We toured the castle, admiring the leaning (read, collapsing) tower and the big, wooden dude trying to hold it up, as well as the views from walls and towers. We learned a bit about the history of the castle, and a lot about what a toerag Hugh le Despenser was. Seriously, Caerphilly is not a fan of Edward II's favourite. There was a lot to see, and Arya was pretty worn out by the end of it, so she stayed in the relative warmth of the Great Hall - it was a bitterly cold day - while I took her scarf as a sign of favour and quested for the final treasure on her behalf.

Here there be dragons. Also an Arya.

This won for her a fridge magnet, with which she was thoroughly unimpressed, and since I kind of agreed that it was a little underwhelming (although free, so can't really complain,) I got her a little dragon in a cage to be her souvenir for the day.

Once we got back to the house with the inevitable haul of cheese - and a handmade, local, fairy Christmas tree ornament - the dragon went into the treasure box. Once again, Arya went to sleep wonderfully in her curtained alcove. We're thinking about getting her one for the flat.

Hanna had promised to take Arya for a walk on the beach in the morning, so it was a bit disappointing that we woke up to the heavy rain that had come on each night showing little sign of stopping.

What else is a map for?

But then it did. The sun came out, and we had one more walk on the beach. Arya drew a map in the sand. Hanna asked what it was a map of and Arya replied 'it's to find treasure. I hid a 5p piece in the sand. Arya found it and was chuffed beyond all good sense. Then it was time to go home.

This time, we did stop at Cheddar Gorge, where we bought some Cheddar and a stuffed rabbit in a ballet dress for Arya. She almost didn't get that, due to a dispute about the virtues, or lack thereof, of mass-produced tat, and the soul-consuming quality of Ty toys with their terrible, terrible eyes. We also marveled at cliffs, and got another squashy penny for the collection.

Wells, wells, wells.

Our last port of call was Wells Cathedral, a building remarkable for the plainness of its interior, a trait I personally ascribe to the fact that some genius put all of the statues - and I do mean all of the statues - on the outside. It also has the oldest working clock with its original face, complete with moving figures every quarter hour. It also had a quiz for children which we helped Arya to complete, and again I bought her a little something when the prize proved underwhelming. I understand that Cathedrals cost a lot to run and that the quiz is free, but Arya just knows she put in time and had to listen to things.

We left Wells after the three o'clock chimes and hit the road, poorer by a pound and richer by another squashy penny, stopping only for a Macdonald's and to change Arya into her pajamas. After she - and I - were asleep, we hit a snag as the roads from Cambridge to Littleport all seemed to be diverting to each other, but in the end we made it home and fell into bed.

It was an exhausting long weekend, but something that we all needed. We'd definitely be up for a return trip to the same house, maybe even in a more hospitable month and perhaps with another couple of people to defray costs. It would also be nice to take a bit longer, get into Wales a little more, and take an extra chill day in the middle somewhere.

I'll leave you with a few more photos that I didn't have room for in the main body of the post.

Piano

Doors!

Gotcha!

Gorge.

(1) Direct descendant of Champion the Wonder Horse.
(2) Maybe two of my readers will get that.
(3) Like, unironically use the phrase 'totes adorbs' levels of adorableness.
(4) I was very good and only made two or four plays on Caerphilly/carefully, all of them marvellously subtle.
(5) As we learned thanks to the plaque on his GIANT GOLDEN STATUE.

Gratulation

Yesterday, we took Arya to Ipswich for Mummy’s graduation or, as Arya would have it, gratulation(1).

Hanna was very anxious about the whole thing, not just because of the formality and the having to go on stage in front of strangers, or because our old friend imposter syndrome is still telling her that she doesn’t deserve to have a degree at all, but because the part of her that recognises her own worth is still mad as hell that the midwifery students got a mismanaged course, little-to-no support, and that she in particular was screwed over by their refusal to offer any flexibility on her deliveries(2), thus capping her practice grades and losing her a deserved high 2:1 or even a first.

We ate lunch in the car, which Arya thought was the best thing ever, showering herself with bits of cheese and crackers while Hanna and I rued the choice of a crusty giraffe baguette over some other, less crumbly bread. We picked up Daddy Andrew, who explained that some of his work colleagues would like to meet Arya and asked if she wanted to come up to the office. She said no, so that was that and we went on into town. At the town hall, where the ceremony was to be held, Hanna went to collect her gown and hood, while we took Arya to get changed out of her school uniform, then we met up to get photos taken.

It took a little time to find the booking, because it was in Hanna’s name, but I was down as the delivery point. Once that was done, we went through and were offered a choice of a plain, silver-grey background or a library background with bookshelves and a carriage clock. Hanna was leaning towards plain, but Arya ran to the library scene with a look of pure wonder. She consented to stand to one side while Hanna had her solo shot, then dashed in for a two-shot, with both of them holding prop certificates, before finishing off with some family groups.

The hall was hot and crowded, and I’d forgotten all of Arya’s snacks and drinks in the car but fortunately we were able to grab some popcorn from Boots and one of the ushers got Arya a glass of water. Then she played games on Mummy’s phone while we got through the speeches and other graduands before Hanna, who was as it happened the very last to be called up, having the last initial in the last category (MSc Hons in Midwifery.) At last, the faculty processed in at what I can only call an amble.

First up were the speeches, including the aptly-named Pro-Chancellor(3) telling us how ‘we do things differently’ at UniSuffolk(4), a speech I found it hard to take seriously knowing that the newly-minted university was voted the worst in the country by NUS members. She explained that they were a ‘community impact university,’ which I took to mean their students went out, got lashed and picked fights with the townies on a regular basis. Apparently what it means is that they measure their success by the impact on the quality of life of the people and communities their graduates go on to work with, rather than the physical, mental and emotional well-being of their students.

Honestly, I was just shocked at the lack of Latin and the barbaric laxity of allowing people to sit down during a graduation ceremony.

Next was the awarding of an honorary(5) doctorate to Esther Freud for her contributions to literature and service in battle against the Cybermen, and I kind of want an honorary doctorate just because the robes were so very bitching. At last, they started calling up the graduands – one at a time, like the presenting proctor didn’t have four perfectly good fingers, and with all the degree types announced – declaring every name like savages and with still not a whisper of Latin or the vaguest gesture of a kneel. How they can call this graduation I do not know(6). Meanwhile the audience cheered and clapped and whooped. You could tell who’d been popular and who had lots of fam in the audience. I wish I’d made more noise for Hanna, but I didn’t want to startle Arya, who was clapping away, proud as anything(8). 

Then one of the nursing students offered a vote of thanks for all the support that the University had given, while neglecting to consider the midwifery course at all... much like the University did. Then the graduates processed out. As the last in line, Hanna was the last to process out, which meant at least that she was able to hear Arya calling as she waved to her.

We met Hanna outside, took a few simple shots with her and Arya, and printed one out at a photo place for Arya to take to school. Then we headed off for a celebratory meal at Mrs Miggins’ Pie Shop(9). Arya was a bit disappointed that we wouldn’t be having another car picnic, but did really well on her dinner. Also notable, when we got to the restaurant we asked if she needed the toilet. She said no, but then added ‘but maybe I should try.’

It was a long day, and Arya was plum tuckered out by the time we dropped Daddy Andrew off, but she was absolutely fabulous. We had one fuss about having her hair re-brushed for photos, and otherwise she was a star, totally accepting that a) this was Mummy’s day, but b) that we still adored her. She was also visibly and vocally pleased to see Daddy Andrew, who all too often ends up butting heads with her when he’s around.

(1) Which is an awesome term.

(2) The EU directives under which the course still operates ask for 40 normal births or, in exceptional circumstances – such as, say, losing a dozen births due to a transfer from another, better university, or straight up bad luck in experiencing an unusual number of non-normal births – 30 plus 20 non-normal births. The University of Suffolk flat out refused to discuss the circumstances because ‘we don’t do that here.’ A fine sentiment vis a vis casual misogyny and ‘locker room talk’, but not so much when it means downgrading someone who will be going into practice with a vastly above average practical understanding of obstetric emergencies.

(3) It was a struggle not to offer running commentary in the unofficial role of ‘Con-Chancellor’.

(4) They don’t show any flexibility, even in accordance with EU directives, for starters.

(5) I’m never sure if ‘honourary’ is acceptable, and have now spent so long checking that neither looks like anything but a pseudoword, which is easily the greatest concept that Arya has brought home from school.

(6) When I graduated, I was presented in Latin while holding a finger, knelt in front of the Vice-Chancellor, who clasped my hands and Latined some more, before I was chucked out into an alley behind the Senate House to receive a certificate(7) confirming I had received the degree of Bachelor of Arts in going to Cambridge.

(7) And that only as proof to anyone gauche enough to doubt my word that I had a degree from Cambridge.

(8) And only for Mummy, because she loves Mummy.

(9) Actually a Harvester.

Fear of the Aardvark

The fear was that they would never wake up. ION, my phone is not made for
night photography.

On Saturday, we took Arya to Colchester for one of the zoo's late-opening Starlight Safari days, with the intention of seeing the aardvarks up and about. She has seen them before, but she was just with Mummy at the time and was apparently beside herself because she knows I like the aardvarks(1).

So, the day started well. I had to go to physio for my back, and when Daddy Andrew tried to bring Arya into Ely on the train for ballet, the train was cancelled. Thankfully, they were offered a lift by a kind fellow traveler(2), and despite Andrew misremembering the start time, we got Arya into ballet just a little late, after I ran into them on my way out of Boots with a new box of sweet, sweet co-codamol. Then tea cup ride, bus, and Gymbobs, where Arya had a good run around waiting for the session to start and managed to apparently misplace Andrew.

Me: Arya, where's Daddy Andrew?
Arya: He went outside.
Me: Yes, but he hasn't come back.
Arya: I didn't magically make him to be dead.
Me: Wow. That's dark. And oddly specific.

New dress.

After Gymbobs we changed her into her new dress (which she chose herself) and Mummy came and picked us up, fresh and bright from her five or six hours sleep in the preceding 72 hours. There then followed a long drive, a minor meltdown over the wrong coat, and it looked like we were going to have a properly horrible day. Hanna split off to make some enquiries at the office regarding pass renewal, and we didn't really make good plans to meet up again.

We saw some lemurs and leopards, and some coati being hella adorbs in the amphitheatre, and checked on the currently somnolent aardvarks. Andrew went to find Hanna, leaving me with all the bags while Arya played in one of the playgrounds. I heard them announce a late giraffe feeding, but before I could collect Arya, I saw her trip and fall, and when I got to her she was bleeding from the mouth.

Worst. Dad. Ever.

Found a member of staff who got us an ice pack and some towels, then I sat Arya down with a soothing ice cream while I flailed to contact Hanna and Andrew. Good news, the bleeding stopped quickly and helped her to calm down enough to stop crying; poor thing was in a right state, understandably enough. Bad news, no signal at all. Fortunately, I spotted Andrew and was able to flag him down and he and Hanna came over, having been looking for us at the giraffe feeding.

Arya complained of an owy tummy and we got a proper first aider in, and considered the possibilities that walk in centres and A&E presented, but ultimately decided that the tummy was probably a result of the upset and not a cause, so dragging her out pre-Aardvark would be a retrograde step. Not that this stopped us worrying, and wondering if each time she got tired and floppy she wasn't lapsing into a set of symptoms that the doctors would note with the shorthand 'terrible parents.'

But she seemed lively enough, and took me to see the bears, including an extended rendition of 'we're going on a poo hunt,' a variation introduced in the TV adaptation of We're Going on a Bear Hunt, so thanks for that, Channel 4.

Next, we went to catch the little train. The green lighting in the waiting area made us look green. "We're turning green!" I cried, showing Arya my hand. "It's just the green lights," she assured me sagely.

The train took us past the oddly abandoned wolf habitat, as well as past the jackals and hunting dogs, to the lemur encounter. Arya didn't fancy walking with lemurs, so we sat and watched the youngsters being adorable and ring-tailed. I got out to stretch my back, and Arya, bless her,was really worried the train would pull away without me. On the way back, all three wolves were out for the first time in three days. My own theory is that they just got Netflix and had been binge watching Marvel series and Stranger Things, and had emerged because they'd got two episodes into Iron Fist and needed some air.

It was getting late, so we tried the aardvarks again - still asleep - before getting some dinner. With Arya quite determined to see active aardvarks, we checked in on them - still asleep - then stayed for the torchlit sealion feed, and Arya named all of the sealions while we waited(3). The sealions were basically circling and occasionally harmonising with the Jean Michelle Jarre - for whatever reason, the sealions always have music, and being Patagonian instead of California sealions they don't so much bark as do a short version of that bass vocalisation that the Ur-ra do in The Dark Crystal.

I tried to get a shot of Arya and the Aardvarks, but they ducked past her and
out of shot.

Finally, we went back to the Aardvarks and they were up and about; well, two of them, at least. Anyway, that was rewarding, and even overrode Arya's pressing need to avail herself of the smell-o-rama hatch again.

And then we went home, by way of the dub-step giraffe, a quick chivvy through the gift shop, a tantrum over the Tinkerbellness of her nappies and a quick stop to buy Calpol (and replacement nappies, because life's too short.)

Sunday was an idle day, unsurprisingly.

(1) Before she had the word 'aardvark' down, they were 'the amamals that Daddy likes.'
(2) In the commuting, rather than the espionage sense.
(3) Skye, Marshall, James, Tom and whoever the other one was.